For Nothing...

I tried.

But, trying isn't good enough.

Well, at least my trying wasn't good enough.

I've lived each day since the day you were born trying to protect you. I didn't want you to see the ugliness. I didn't want to shatter your hopefully idyllic childhood that every kid deserves.

After all, you didn't ask for any of this.

When you were little, all you wanted to do was play. You'd make up games, create worlds. I didn't want anything to get in the way of that and what we had. What I wouldn't give for just five more minutes of that now.

Maybe I was a little selfish, never wanting to lose time with you and our connection. But, I just wanted you to be happy.

Now that you're older, you are still that great creator with a power to make a difference in this ugly world. You are so smart, so perceptive, and more aware than I give you credit for. What I wouldn't give to just freeze this time for just a bit longer.

I still don't want you to see the ugly; I don't want you to feel the ugly. Sure, other kids have and even more have felt far worse. But, I wanted you to have it better. No ugly. Just joy and excitement as you move to the next phase of your life.

I wanted every hit I took to mean something. I wanted each belittling, each word I swallowed to mean something. I wanted each time I did something I didn't want to do to mean something.

I wanted each time a part of me was knocked out or damaged to mean that you would never be in a position to witness the true ugliness of the reality. Every holiday, every trip to the grocery store, every new person, every word, every argument, every condescending joke thrown my way left a mark, but never broke me. I was the shield in the hope of making your life better and different. As long as you had that life, I could withstand everything, even if it was painful. It meant something so the pain never set in.

But, I am so sorry to say that the shield has broken. Ultimately, I have failed. You are about to be in the one position I fought against for almost 18 years. I never meant for this to happen. People will tell me that it isn't my fault; Maybe they are right, but it certainly feels like it. Delaying this until now is not a success. That was never the plan. The shield was supposed to be forever. If I had to do it all over again, I'd be smarter and the outcome would be better than this.

I didn't do enough to make this not happen. Maybe I did everything wrong. But, I know now that everything I took over and over again means absolutely nothing now. It didn't get me anywhere and, more importantly, it failed to protect you forever.

Everything I did means nothing.

I hope you can forgive me for that. I know I won't since we are exactly where I was avoiding to be for your whole life. I do promise that I am slowly putting together another shield and will continue to do so until the day I die.

For now, however, I have to learn to live with the fact that how I handled everything was for absolutely nothing.